This Is Not Cruelty
by kosmokomik
Summary: Oneshot. Saren's thoughts upon meeting Nihlus on Eden Prime.


"Saren?"

I know that voice only too well.

"Nihlus."

Why must he be here? Why has he come? If he has come for the beacon too, then… Yes. That's why he's here. Of course.

I never told Nihlus about this. His beliefs would have opposed him to me in an instant, and he would have tried to work against me. Perhaps he would even have been foolish enough like the Matriarch, she who joined me in her attempts to steer me in the right direction. She has lost herself to Sovereign, and when I look into her eyes I see myself staring back, I see my fears. The loss of free will. The mangled mind, the obedience, the questions that should be there… Vanished. Sovereign has damaged them all to the extent where I can no longer trust any of them with my fears.

I fear Sovereign, but he has the power to save this galaxy. The protheans resisted, and all that remains from them now are architectural ruins. Is this the fate that awaits turians too? That awaits all the Council races? Would it not be negligent of me then to deny ourselves this chance at redemption? We can conquer our organic fears and follies, give up our emotional longings, prove ourselves useful to these… To the Reapers.

I understand that many will try to resist. The quarians, most likely, will be wiped out. My geth will be overjoyed at that, at least. It's an unfortunate fate for such a great species, but they are stubborn. The asari will see reason, and acknowledge it as the best solution. Surely, they must see it so. But what about the others? The humans, the salarians, the elcor, volus, krogans? Will they even be able to comprehend what is at stake? All our civilizations will be wiped out if they do not see reason.

This is the ultimate weakness of us organics. We must first conquer our own, inferior minds before we can even be considered as a resource for the Reapers.

But Nihlus, no, he wouldn't understand. I have to work in secrecy, even from my brother in arms, this young one I once brought forth to the Council and who has since proved his worth. He's excelled beyond me soon. I am proud of him, but that he is here now is a bad move on his part. He has walked into a spot from which he cannot escape. He lowers his weapon now, thinking himself safe. Ah, little brother, I am your enemy today.

"What are you doing here, Saren? This isn't your mission."

"The Council thought you could use some help on this one." I put my hand on his shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. Perhaps there is an afterlife that the humans speak so fondly of, with their belief in a wonderful place called heaven. Considering how well Nihlus gets along with them, maybe he will end up there. Then again, if the siari beliefs are correct, he will go back to being a part of the universe, the all is one, and then he will find understanding. That is what I hope he finds, at least.

He must understand that nothing can come in my way now.

He must understand that I won't let him follow me, that I won't let the damages of indoctrination come to him. Remain the strong, cunning one, even if it's just in memories and classified files.

"I wasn't expecting to the find the geth here. The situation's bad."

I've heard the geth hum about another turian. They are angry. I can hear them now, their questions and hatred echoing through the radio waves. Their static thoughts, their longing to please their deity in vanquishing rudimentary flesh beings. Be quiet. The hush falls over the radio, and I can think clearly again. The geth have developed into a frightening invention, and I can understand why the quarians hate them. While they are sentient, they are cruel, cold, unyielding. They refuse defeat, marching on until they find their home with Sovereign.

This galaxy is filled with folly. All these ideas we construct to keep ourselves safe and calm, how little they count for now.

It's almost time for us to face what the protheans faced, what other species before them faced. I will not let it happen. I swore allegiance to the Council, and they will understand when the time comes. But this is too soon. There is too much fear.

Nihlus, you should not have come. You have become the brother I lost to the humans, but are you not also beginning to drift towards them, seeing… Potential? They are becoming like the krogan, or worse, the rachni. Uncontrollable, spreading like a virus across the galaxy, infecting planets with their presence, influencing the galatic politics and economics into making foolish decisions.

The geth chatter increases now. They've found the beacon. I must move on.

"Don't worry. I've got it under control." Nihlus stares at the destruction that's been caused on this settlement. Regrettable, but perhaps it will teach the humans a lesson.

Nihlus, this is where it ends. I'm going somewhere you cannot follow.

I know what death looks like. It's a pool of blue blood on the ground. It's a gunshot wound from which no one will ever survive. It's a flutter of breath, a spasm of muscles, a twitch in the eye before they glaze over. Death is beautiful. It's poetry in its stillness, its inevitability, its closure. Foolish humans who write their stanzas over star patterns, celebrating erratic life and things which are beyond our control. Death is controllable, malleable, but it is conclusive once done.

I raise my pistol. This is not cruelty. This is a survival strategy. One day the whole galaxy will find peace because of me.

But brother, this is me showing you mercy. You won't have to make a choice that will tear you apart, and you won't have to come to an ending much more gruesome than my hand.

Goodnight, brother. Sleep well.


End file.
